Tuesday, February 17, 2015

STRONGER.

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW.

I am convinced more and more that God does not care about me having it all together. Duh right? I know that in my head, but I choose over and over again to not believe it in my heart. In my head and my heart I want this life that that is all about making a difference in the world, but I also want to feel good and be comfortable. I tend to be able to trust God with the big things but have a REALLY hard time persevering through the small things that it takes to get to the big things!

After we had Leo I struggled more than I had ever struggled. I have battled depression/anxiety since I was 20 but it hadn't been that bad in the past 5 years or so. After Leo, I had thoughts of driving away. Getting in the car and just driving until I got to a place that I could start over. I just wanted to be single again...not only because it would demand less of me, but because when I was single I had all of this time to "just be with God." Before getting married I had this amazing relationship with God because he was all I wanted or needed! I prayed during that time, but nothing seemed to shake this dark cloud. I just needed to persevere and be okay with failing and letting everyone down around me.

I love being there for people. It is what gives me life and during this season of being at home with little kids I am drained. I don't have the capacity to be with people as much and that is so incredibly hard for me. Some days I can barely manage to get through the day without having an anxiety attack. I'm sure people who know I struggle so much wonder why Bryan and I would be having another baby right now. I've thought it myself. It feels and looks crazy. I worry about it a lot, but I'm also convinced that God doesn't want us to only jump into things that make sense. I'm convinced that he is interested in making us more like Jesus and I will tell you that getting married and having kids has caused me to throw my hands up and surrender to him in ways I never had before.

At a conference a few weeks ago, Bob and Maria Goff were sharing about their life and how they know what God wants them to do next (they are some of the most spontaneous and joyful people I have ever seen). They filter a lot of decisions through the idea that they want to look at life and do not what will work, but what will last. What will create the next humbler version of me? They also said that you will be misunderstood a lot. That is exactly what has happened to me. I have been humbled in incredible ways through the last few years of life and have been misunderstood a lot. I felt strongly that God didn't want us to control our family or our life and it is truly in his hands. I don't want to see my whole life. If I could I would get too overwhelmed!

Right now, I am convinced that I AM STRONGER THAN I KNOW because GOD IS BIGGER THAN I'VE SEEN.

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