Tuesday, February 17, 2015



I am convinced more and more that God does not care about me having it all together. Duh right? I know that in my head, but I choose over and over again to not believe it in my heart. In my head and my heart I want this life that that is all about making a difference in the world, but I also want to feel good and be comfortable. I tend to be able to trust God with the big things but have a REALLY hard time persevering through the small things that it takes to get to the big things!

After we had Leo I struggled more than I had ever struggled. I have battled depression/anxiety since I was 20 but it hadn't been that bad in the past 5 years or so. After Leo, I had thoughts of driving away. Getting in the car and just driving until I got to a place that I could start over. I just wanted to be single again...not only because it would demand less of me, but because when I was single I had all of this time to "just be with God." Before getting married I had this amazing relationship with God because he was all I wanted or needed! I prayed during that time, but nothing seemed to shake this dark cloud. I just needed to persevere and be okay with failing and letting everyone down around me.

I love being there for people. It is what gives me life and during this season of being at home with little kids I am drained. I don't have the capacity to be with people as much and that is so incredibly hard for me. Some days I can barely manage to get through the day without having an anxiety attack. I'm sure people who know I struggle so much wonder why Bryan and I would be having another baby right now. I've thought it myself. It feels and looks crazy. I worry about it a lot, but I'm also convinced that God doesn't want us to only jump into things that make sense. I'm convinced that he is interested in making us more like Jesus and I will tell you that getting married and having kids has caused me to throw my hands up and surrender to him in ways I never had before.

At a conference a few weeks ago, Bob and Maria Goff were sharing about their life and how they know what God wants them to do next (they are some of the most spontaneous and joyful people I have ever seen). They filter a lot of decisions through the idea that they want to look at life and do not what will work, but what will last. What will create the next humbler version of me? They also said that you will be misunderstood a lot. That is exactly what has happened to me. I have been humbled in incredible ways through the last few years of life and have been misunderstood a lot. I felt strongly that God didn't want us to control our family or our life and it is truly in his hands. I don't want to see my whole life. If I could I would get too overwhelmed!

Right now, I am convinced that I AM STRONGER THAN I KNOW because GOD IS BIGGER THAN I'VE SEEN.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013


Home is something I have thought about a lot lately...partially because we just bought a new house. We started the process of moving in July. Bryan and I had very briefly talked about buying a new house but it became serious when we randomly decided to look at a triplex that seemed to be a perfect fit. Some people say Bryan and I are impulsive or have a lot of changes in our life...well this really was a very quick decision! Bryan woke up the next morning and said, "What if this house is God's way of answering our prayers for a more simple life?" We had been trying to pay off debt and cut things in our budget for awhile but it seemed like we needed a drastic change. We really felt like selling our house and buying this one was what we were supposed to do.

I felt crazy! I was 3 months pregnant and had to pack quickly. There were so many details that had to fall into place. I remember packing the magnets on the fridge and bawling because this was our "home." This was where we brought Cadence home from the hospital! (We had only lived there a little over two years, but I grew up in a family that never moved so this felt huge.) From the beginning Bryan and I prayed every night for God to take this into His hands. We only wanted to move if this was going to be used somehow to make us more like Jesus and to bring His love to others. Long story short, we ended up living with my parents for 6 weeks while waiting for our house to get ready to move into. We had decided to live in the top floor apartment and rent out the other two apartments to pay off debt and live more simply for awhile.

I love my family and I am so thankful that they embrace Bryan and he feels so comfortable there as well. We had a great experience living there. I had great conversations with my Mom and sister that I wouldn't have had if we hadn't stayed there. It felt great to be around them so much and for Cadence to spend so much time for family. However, about two weeks in I started to feel restless. I wanted my own space to relax in, my own kitchen, my own bathroom! I really started to wrestle with my heart in all of this. Could I be content in any situation? Should I long for those things or should I be able to feel "at home" anywhere because I have God? What I really wanted was my comfort zone and I felt anxious because I didn't have it. I want MY own couch and MY own bed. How attached am I to those things? Did I really want this new house to be used for God's glory or did I want it to be comfortable?

Now that we're settled in I have been thinking about this even more. I want Bryan and I's house to be a place of comfort, for us and for others. I want it to be filled with love, joy, and peace so that people feel at "home" here. I also want to have these things with me wherever I am. I don't want to feel discontent when I'm not at my house. I want to feel at home everywhere because I have a relationship with Jesus. I want to bring "home" to people. When Bryan gets to our house at the end of the day, I want him to feel like he's "home" not because we have an awesome clean house but because his wife is at peace and completely fulfilled in Jesus. When people spend time with me I want them to feel at "home" with me because they can see Jesus.

At Mosaic on Sunday, Aaron ironically talked about this idea of home and it was even more confirmation of the things I had been pondering. A lot of the time I feel defeated and overwhelmed by life. Either by things going wrong in my life or the mess of the world around me. He talked about how we long for "home". This is something I believe starts now. I can see the mess of the world and even my own struggles and know that God is with me and is creating this beautiful "home" in my heart and starting to bring bits and pieces of heaven to earth through my life. The more I get to know God, the more content I am with exactly where He has me in life. I know that He is using my life and circumstances in greater ways than I may ever see. The more I find peace, love, and joy in Jesus...the more I feel "home" wherever I am.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013


For months now I have thought about starting a blog. I ask Bryan, "Do you think I should start a blog?" "Yes," he says. Then I say, "Nah, I don't have time.  Plus, what would I say?" The real reason I haven't started one is that I like to be perfect. I have the time to blog, but I don't have the time to make sure it's written perfect, grammatically perfect, and that it communicates perfectly what I want to say. I also like to be in control...a lot. The idea of a blog freaks me out because it's putting myself out there to anyone and expecting people to care. 

I am a mess a lot of the time and I usually don't know why. I started reading a book called, Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst that is all about making wise choices in the midst of raw emotions. I think she wrote it as a life manuel for me. After reading a few chapters I started to feel really crappy about myself. I started to see all of the ways I don't love well and how I am quick to put up barriers when people hurt me. Most of my raw emotions come from my sense of being out of control and my expectations for life and people not being met. About a month ago, I sat up in bed and cried to Bryan sharing that I feel like a horrible wife and Mom. This happens a lot :) I get overwhelmed with life, myself, people, etc. Instead of seeking God first, I take it all on myself and just feel out of control. I constantly feel like I'm not living up to some invisible standard I've created that I think the world is throwing at me. Then I curl up in a little ball and don't talk to anyone for a week because I feel like I need to get my act together first. 

I want that to stop! I want to be able to cry in front of people and let people into my mess. It's not that I'm not real...I'm very real and upfront about my struggles and what's going on in my heart...but in those moments of vulnerable emotions I really struggle. My hope is that having a blog will be a place I can be real and vulnerable. I want to sit down and process more. I process so well through writing. This is really embarassing...but sometimes when I'm upset with Bryan I actually have to leave the room and text him! I just communicate so much better through words sometimes :) 

In Unglued Lysa talks about the idea of imperfect progress. Today I was far from perfect. I had cried alone in the bathroom 3 times before noon. Bryan was working from home (which I hate for numerous reasons). Cadence was screaming and banging on the bathroom door and I was trying to pull myself together enough to go to the grocery store. I yelled at Cadence, snapped at Bryan, but then instead of it getting out of hand I prayed. I remembered that I have come a long way. I chose to tell Bryan thank you instead of getting mad for all of the ways he wasn't helping. This is rare for me and it was a beautiful experience because before he left, he gave me a kiss on the forehead and said "I love you." It gave me hope. Hope that I can mess up and it's okay. Hope that even when I am going crazy God is enough. Hope that I can change. Hope changes things. It changes my perspective. It brings clarity. Sometimes if I have those things in order it makes my day completely different!