HOPE.

For months now I have thought about starting a blog. I ask Bryan, "Do you think I should start a blog?" "Yes," he says. Then I say, "Nah, I don't have time.  Plus, what would I say?" The real reason I haven't started one is that I like to be perfect. I have the time to blog, but I don't have the time to make sure it's written perfect, grammatically perfect, and that it communicates perfectly what I want to say. I also like to be in control...a lot. The idea of a blog freaks me out because it's putting myself out there to anyone and expecting people to care. 

I am a mess a lot of the time and I usually don't know why. I started reading a book called, Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst that is all about making wise choices in the midst of raw emotions. I think she wrote it as a life manuel for me. After reading a few chapters I started to feel really crappy about myself. I started to see all of the ways I don't love well and how I am quick to put up barriers when people hurt me. Most of my raw emotions come from my sense of being out of control and my expectations for life and people not being met. About a month ago, I sat up in bed and cried to Bryan sharing that I feel like a horrible wife and Mom. This happens a lot :) I get overwhelmed with life, myself, people, etc. Instead of seeking God first, I take it all on myself and just feel out of control. I constantly feel like I'm not living up to some invisible standard I've created that I think the world is throwing at me. Then I curl up in a little ball and don't talk to anyone for a week because I feel like I need to get my act together first. 

I want that to stop! I want to be able to cry in front of people and let people into my mess. It's not that I'm not real...I'm very real and upfront about my struggles and what's going on in my heart...but in those moments of vulnerable emotions I really struggle. My hope is that having a blog will be a place I can be real and vulnerable. I want to sit down and process more. I process so well through writing. This is really embarassing...but sometimes when I'm upset with Bryan I actually have to leave the room and text him! I just communicate so much better through words sometimes :) 

In Unglued Lysa talks about the idea of imperfect progress. Today I was far from perfect. I had cried alone in the bathroom 3 times before noon. Bryan was working from home (which I hate for numerous reasons). Cadence was screaming and banging on the bathroom door and I was trying to pull myself together enough to go to the grocery store. I yelled at Cadence, snapped at Bryan, but then instead of it getting out of hand I prayed. I remembered that I have come a long way. I chose to tell Bryan thank you instead of getting mad for all of the ways he wasn't helping. This is rare for me and it was a beautiful experience because before he left, he gave me a kiss on the forehead and said "I love you." It gave me hope. Hope that I can mess up and it's okay. Hope that even when I am going crazy God is enough. Hope that I can change. Hope changes things. It changes my perspective. It brings clarity. Sometimes if I have those things in order it makes my day completely different!